As I return to work full time this week I have been thinking a lot about mom guilt. The term ‘mom guilt’ probably conjures up a lot of emotions, opinions and feelings for every mom. Before I was a mom, I was thinking that I was not going to buy into the whole mom guilt thing. I was going to work full time and not feel guilty and would plan some nights out with my friends and husband and not feel guilty. HA! That did not last long as I think it is natural for all of us to have some guilt for working full time or leaving them with a sitter or putting them in daycare etc. I am struggling with this especially right now with my son since my daughter has been home with me full time during my leave. Some mornings I might only get to see my son for 45 minutes to an hour before he is supposed to be at daycare/school. Yes, I could technically keep him home longer in the mornings but the school has repeatedly asked us to have them there at a certain time as that is when the day starts with activities so I do try to be respectful of that most of the time.

A lot of people asked if I was going to keep Caleb home with me during leave and my answer was no, which made me feel a little guilty. Honestly, I only thought about if for a very short time. Yes, it would be nice to spend more time with him and yes it would be nice to save the money but in all reality I think he would prefer to be at school most of the time. I also thought it was only fair to Madelynn as Caleb got me for 12 weeks and I wanted alone time with her to bond. Truth be told, Caleb is way harder than Madelynn right now and if he was home with me, he would be getting 90% of my attention, not Madelynn. His school also has a structure with work time, outside time, music class, art, nature walks, picnics etc. Now of course I could try doing some of these things with Caleb but as most moms know, newborns are not on a schedule and you are on demand for feedings, soothing etc. I could try to take Caleb somewhere but would suddenly have to stop and feed and change Madelynn while my not so patient 2-yearold would have to wait. My husband and I decided it was best for all of us to keep Caleb on his regular schedule and just try to maybe pick him up earlier some days. Did I feel guilty about this? Maybe a little bit but again we are deciding what we think works best for our family.

Spending some time together playing in the morning.

The daycare situation is hard and I have written about being a stay-at-home mom vs. a working mom before. I truly believe you have to figure out what works best for your family.   I choose to work full time but it helps that I love my job and we also love Caleb’s school and thinks he really benefits from it. Where I really struggle is when I have an evening activity and barely get to see him in a day but again I think it is important that I also get some social time away from work and away from my kids.  At times I feel guilty for this but I know going out a few nights a month is good for me.

Speaking of daycare, my husband and I are taking a Confident Parenting class geared towards parents of toddlers that is being held at a local church. This is a once a week class for 6-weeks for very minimal cost and they offer free daycare and dinner for both the parents and kids. We excitedly signed up to learn more about toddler behaviors. The first week I was unable to attend but Adam told me the drop off went fine but Caleb was upset when he went to pick him up after the class. The following week was a disaster. We have been keeping Madelynn with us during the class because she is so young and the daycare provided is not set up for very young babies. So I already feel that we are the distracting ones in class with our baby. The 2nd week, Caleb refused to be left in the daycare. We felt horrible as we picked him up for school and went directly to the class due to the fact I had to attend a quarterly work meeting that day and therefore did not get to spend any time with him. Talk about mom guilt. I felt horrible. So we let him stay with us for a bit during the class and did everything to keep him quiet as not to disturb the others (not to mention, we also have a 8 week old in the class we are trying to keep quiet.) So here we are in a parenting class just for parents and we have 2 kids in the class with us. It was basically a sh*& show. Oh, and did I mention we are in the midst of toilet training because why wouldn’t you do that when you have a newborn, are returning to work full time and taking a parenting class? We try to ask or take Caleb to the bathroom every hour and continued to ask him during the class. He of course kept saying no. So we take a small break for the dinner and I look over at Caleb who is just jamming on piece of pizza….and peeing all over the floor of the church. Awesome.   Adam immediately tries to clean up the pee on the floor (did I mention everyone was eating at this time too…super sanitary), I ask my friend in the class to watch Madelynn and rush Caleb to the bathroom to get changed.  Needless to say, we did not get much out of the class that week. Ugh, I had so much guilt for not picking him up earlier and spending some time with him before transitioning him to another daycare. Not to say that he peed on the floor because we took him directly to another daycare but he was having a rough day and probably not focused on toilet training. Lesson learned.

One thing I do not feel bad about is working out. I do not feel guilty for either leaving my kids with their dad on the weekend for a short time or at the gym daycare for an hour or putting M in the swing to get in a workout. For me, working out makes me a better mom. It keeps me focused, energized and gives me a lot more patience than if I had not worked out. I honestly know I am a better mom because I take the time and make the effort to exercise and do my best to take care of myself. I also want my children see me leading a healthy lifestyle and my love of exercise. I currently work out at home on Saturday mornings since M is too small to go to the gym daycare and often Caleb likes to come down and ‘exercise’ with me (i.e. sit on the rower or try to pick up my light weights or just throw some physio balls everywhere). I am glad that he sees this as fun and something we can hopefully do together later in his life.

Madelynn hanging in the swing while I get in a quick workout.

I know by taking ‘me time’ (I hate that term by the way 🙂 ) and having some time away from my kids that I can be more present and focused when I am with them. But I do often feel guilty about working full time or again attending an evening activity. I try to find a balance of finding time to myself but also spending a lot of quality time with my kiddos almost every evening and weekend. I would love to hear other mom’s thoughts on this topic. How do you deal with mom guilt? Have others made you feel guilty for your choices and what is your response? Does this change as your kids get older?
As always I would love to hear from you.
XOXO

Sara